Before she was a Ted Lasso star, Keeley Hazell kicked off her career as a Page 3 girl — a topless glamour model in the biggest British tabloids.
“Controversial yet iconic, it launched many models, some as young as sixteen into the public eye — often making them household names,” Hazell, 38, wrote in her newly released memoir, Everyone’s Seen My Tits: Stories and Reflections From an Unlikely Feminist.
Aside from reflecting on the early days of her career, Hazell reflected on some major ups and downs in her personal life (like that time an ex-boyfriend broke into her house with a knife and released her sex tape) in the book, published on Tuesday, August 26.
“What he did wasn’t just humiliating — it was devastating,” she wrote of the sex tape in the book’s intro. “He violated me in a way that was unforgivable, and I couldn’t stop it. The video spread online like a highly contagious disease. The pain and public humiliation were insurmountable. The world assumed I wanted it. The world thought I’d released it.”
Hazell quit topless modeling at age 21, after she was already a household name in her home country. The budding star made the move “halfway across the world” to start a new chapter.
“For the first time, I took control of my life and did something out of desire, not necessity,” she recalled. “But even then it came with complications because the world is what the world is. And as infuriating as that can be, you still must learn to live in it.”
Keep scrolling for the biggest revelations from Hazell’s memoir Everyone’s Seen My Tits:
Her Dad
Hazell described her dad as a “simple and complex” man in the book. “Great with a screwdriver but not so great with words,” she wrote, recalling him having “a temper” when she was growing up.
“As I got older, I learned that showing my fear or vulnerability to my dad was like willingly giving all of my weapons to the enemy. So I started masking it. ‘It doesn’t hurt,’ I’d say as my father whacked me with the meter stick,” she wrote.
“I became so determined to be the sort of person to remain undefeated even if I was beaten to my final breath. Sometimes I’d succeed; other times Dad would just continue to whack me until I’d plead mercy.”
She admitted to calling Childline — a British counseling service for kids under the age of 19 — “so many times” but never reporting her father.
I was determined to hold my father accountable and to stand up for myself, but whenever someone spoke, I would slam the phone down and unplug it,” she wrote. “I wanted so bad to escape but the thought of being taken away and ending up in foster care and getting placed in a home with some weirdo or creep or — God forbid — a vegetarian, I just couldn’t risk it.”
The Sex Tape Situation
Hazell claimed that one of her exes had broken into her apartment after they split (and threatened to “kill” her when she confronted him about it). Some “electrical goods” were allegedly stolen at the time but the “very compromising VHS-C tape with footage” giving him a blowjob seemed to be safe.
Months later, in January 2007, the video was released.
“The nearest store is on the corner, and I run into it at full speed and scan the newspaper section on the bottom shelf, searching for the Sunday Sport,” she wrote. “Suddenly, in a matter of moments, my life is flipped upside down. I’m on the cover. … I can’t breathe. My lungs are tight. My hands are shaking. I feel like I’ve been shot repeatedly — just bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.”
Hazell said there were “four screenshots” from the video, including one image of “my legs spread wide open and my f***ing vagina printed in black-and-white.” At the time, revenge porn wasn’t considered a crime.
“I cry like I’ve never cried before. I can’t stop crying,” she wrote. “It’s like everything I’ve ever bottled up is pouring out of me. I’m a total mess. I don’t care that I’m outside on a busy street. I don’t care who sees me.”
Confronting Her Ex
After the sex tape situation, Hazell came face-to-face with her ex on one more occasion — in the line for club one month after the video was released — so she spit on him and keyed his car. Three weeks later, they spoke on the phone.
“I needed to know why. Why he felt so compelled to publicly humiliate me,” she recalled. “I had to hear the words for myself to move on.”
The ex allegedly said he wanted to “get back” at Hazell for breaking up with him after finding out that he had been cheating for their “entire relationship.”
Trying Crack and All That Fire
Hazell was a “curious” 13 year old, which led to some not-so-great situations — like being offered “to smoke cocaine from a can,” which she did.
“I sucked it through a straw out of the side of a Coke can and felt like I’d eaten a pack of paints and gotten on a roller coaster that goes upside down and immediately decided that I hate cocaine, which I guess turned out to actually not be cocaine but crack,” she wrote. “An ever-so-slight difference that the guy who offered it to me failed to mention.”
That same year, Hazell “discovered fire.” This led her to lighting an “abandoned” car on fire.
“It was so anticlimactic. Nothing went up in flames, not even the paper. My science experiment was a failure. So much so that I actually walked away,” she recalled, adding that it eventually did go up in a cloud of “thick black smoke.”
Remembering a Friend
One of Hazell’s died from a pretty gruesome death, getting run over by a double-decker bus, when she was young.
Christian’s body had been taken by the time I arrived, but his brain, well, parts of it, were still splattered all over the road — small chunks of flesh and blood. I wanted to vomit,” she wrote. “I had seen guts and gore, but let me tell you, that does not prepare you to see what Trek told me were the remains of Christian’s head.”
Her 1st Boyfriend
After she “stalked” her first boyfriend while they were together, Hazell allegedly discovered that he actually had a pregnant girlfriend on the side — comparing this part of her life to The Jerry Springer Show.
“This was the old days of stalking, when you had to put the work into it and do it in person. I knew something was up,” the actress shared. “I saw him come out of his house with another girl, who I recognized as his ‘ex-girlfriend.’ I looked at her round belly while he kissed her on the lips. He was not just cheating on me—he had another girlfriend, and she was pregnant with his kid.”
When they fought about it, he apparently “punched” her in the face.
Getting Arrested
It was March 2002 when Hazell got arrested. At the time, she had “absolutely zero idea why” because of her level of intoxication but eventually found out that she had been arrested for assault.
Two police officers noticed how drunk Hazell had been and “offered to take over and drop me home,” she wrote, which is where things got bad.
“It’s unclear whether it was my distrust for the police that prompted my behavior, whether it was because I thought I was being arrested, or whether I just really needed to throw up and I was trying to get them off me — we don’t know and never will because I can’t remember the incident, and I’ve tried many times,” Hazell wrote. She kicked a male police officer “straight in the balls” and punched a female police officer “in the face” before vomiting.
Meeting Jason Sudeikis
Us Weekly confirmed in May 2022 that Hazell and Sudeikis split after a brief romance — but that part of her life is not detailed in the book. In fact, she only refers to her ex as J while discussing how he changed her career.
The exes met on the set of Horrible Bosses 2, filming a pool scene and instantly bonded. (He had a pregnant fiancé at the time, while Hazell had a boyfriend who was “a pain in my ass.”)
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The pair discussed “the topic of female inequality between takes,” she recalled.
“We discussed the many challenges women face. We spoke about pretty privilege and how I’d benefited from it. We spoke about the pitfalls of it,” Hazell wrote. “Somehow, five hours passed, and when the director yelled ‘cut’ for the last time, we were still talking — this time about the script I’d written. It was about a British girl who moves to Los Angeles after a very public scandal and tries to reinvent herself.”
Sudeikis read the script, called Hazell “talented” and eventually reached out for a role on Ted Lasso. While it wasn’t the part she originally went out for, the actress ended up playing Bex for seven episodes of the show, which ran from 2020 to 2023.
